Purple Hair Patriots Crime Journal Edition I
by La Rata
Summary: When the stooges find a body in an abandoned factory, will they be able to find the killer with some help?


Purple Hair Patriots

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(WARNINGS: This will contain some mild scene of violence as well as some crime talk. Although, I might be paranoid.)

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Part I -

Hotch sternly stood up as he opened the file that he held in his hands. "Four bodies," he said without a preamble, "were found last night by several young men who were looking for a football. Apparently they were playing football with some local kids and they accidentally threw the ball too far out of the field and it landed in an an old abandoned factory. The men went into the house and they found the bodies. The coroner said that the bodies were all missing their eyes."

"You know," interrupted Reid, "that in ancient times blinding people was a way of retaliation. In fact it was so common that the Moses spoke about blinding people. Moses gave the commandment that if any person blinded his slave's eye then his own eye was to be blinded."

"So you think that it is a retaliation for some perceived look at something that they should not have?" asked JJ."

"It could be?" Reid paused as he sat there thinking for a few minutes.

"Regardless," Hotch interrupted, "we need to interview the young gentlemen to see what they saw.

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Part II -

(Moe, Larry are in a construction zone.)

"Larry, get the tools," says Moe.

"What tools?" asked Larry.

"You know!" scolds Moe. "You know that tools that we have been using for the last ten years."

"Ooohhhh thooose tooools," Larry drawls out.

"Well!" says Moe.

"I'll move when I want to," Larry says stubbornly.

Moe simply looks at Larry. "Well!" he demands. "Are you ready!"

"Yeah, I am," Larry nods.

"Well! Get going!" snapped Moe.

Meanwhile, Curly had come back into the room. In his hands he holds a door inside of a door frame. "Now," he says to himself, "the boss said that the door was to go on the left side of the wall." With that he points to his left.

Moe walks over to Curly until he is standing in front of him. "No! The boss said that the door is to go on the left." he points to his left.

Curly gives him I-am-trying-to-understand-what-are-saying-but-I'm- not look.

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Part III -

"Hi," said the officer as he greeted the group of profilers at the police station. "Um," the officer paused as he led the team through the hallway. "The three men that you want to speak to are working at the Powder Street. Although, I am not sure that your main witness will be to reliable."

Part IV -

"Boy this house is really in poor condition," groaned Morgan as he studied the wall.

"You renovate houses?" Blake asked.

"No," said Morgan. "I restore houses..."

His words came to a pause as they walked into a room. There in a room the two men were pushing a shorter man around.

"Hey, HEY," he yelled.

The men stood scuffling around as they looked at the profilers.

"I didn't do it he did," the middle man said.

"No! He did," said the two men said as the point to the middle man.

"I'll be a witness to it," chimed the man on the middle man's left hand.

"Me, too," added the man on the middle man's left hand. "He had the money right in his head."

"Gentlemen," said Rossi, who was still stunned by this group of men.

"No, we just needed to ask some questions about the bodies that you found," Blake broke in.

"I'm, Moe," said the middle man.

"Larry," said the man to the middle man's left hand.

"Curly," said the man to the middle man's right hand.

"I'm SSA Arron Hotchner, this is Morgan, Rossi, JJ, Dr. Reid, Dr. Blake," said Hotch.

"I wonder what the SSA stands for," questioned Larry.

"Don't be silly. It stands for Sweet Singing Annie," grumbled Moe.

Rossi looked like he was about to pass out listening to the men argue.

"Can someone be this dumb," wondered Morgan out loud.

"Hush!" hissed Blake.

"Actually, we are not dumb," protested Curly.

"No your not. The original etymology of the word dumb began with the old English words meaning unable to speak. "To dumb something or someone down" was invented in 1933. The word dumb is similar to how a word like gay once meant happy but now means referees to somebody whose is having sexual intercourse with a person of the same sex desire."

Moe, Larry, and Curly give Reid a look of what-did-you-just-say?

"Never mind," JJ says as she realizes that the these men are not going comprehend to much. "How did you happen to find the bodies?"

"Why are you asking us?" asked Moe. "Because I can assure you that we were taught never to kill."

"No, but you might have seen our unsub," said Blake.

"We sure did!" laughed Larry.

"We did?" asked Moe, scratching his head.

"We did?!" asked Curly.

"We did!" laughs Larry. "At Subway. At Subway you can find five and ten and twelve foot long subs. The Spanish word for the letter a is un. S put the two together and you have an unsub."

"Oh a punster," snaps Moe. "Well I have something for you."

"Really?" chirps Larry.

"Yes!" Moe says. "Close you eyes and depress you lower jaw with your tongue out."

Larry does that. Then Moe sprinkles Larry's tongue with dirt from a nearby dirt pile. The team just stands there shocked.

Having been the first to find his voice, Hotch says, "We are look for a murder."

"Then why not just say that you are looking for an ax welling murderer?" asked Curly.

"Because in order to be an SSA you must have fancy words for simple things," protests Larry.

Shaking their heads the team thanks the three young men. As they are walking away, Moe asks, "Could you all show my dumb foster brother which way you left side is by when I say go we all lift our left hands?"

"Sure thing," agrees Morgan and the team.

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Part V -

(Moe, Larry, and Curly are sitting at the a hair styling shop watching the television.)

"We are looking for a suspect that looks like this," JJ was saying. "The FBI is offering six thousand dollars for the apprehension of the suspect. The man that the public should be on the look out for is tall, about six feet, has long blond hair and large scar under his left ear."

"Wow," muttered Curly.

Learning back in his seat, Larry groaned, "Could you imagine what would happen if we could catch the murderer."

"Really?" chimed Moe in sarcasm. "Ssssssoooooo. So you expect a person that has been killing people to just walk into our salon and what? Ask for a hair job?"

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!IMPORTANT! If you want to read the rest of this story look under Criminal Minds Crossovers with The Three Stooges.

Please rate and review.


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